There’s no right way to grieve pregnancy or infant loss, but help is available
When a pregnancy or infant loss occurs, grief comes in waves. Parents face not only the heartbreak of losing a child, but also the loss of the dreams, plans, and future they imagined. Compassionate healthcare providers can offer support in navigating those moments and in the healing journey that follows.
Bridget Bahneman, a Certified Nurse Midwife with the Midwifery practice at M Health Fairview Woodwinds Hospital, specializes in providing care, comfort, and support to families facing loss.
“When someone experiences a loss, it’s about supporting them from the moment they find out their baby has died or will have a shortened life expectancy,” Bahneman said. “That includes care of families experiencing miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, stillbirth, neonatal death, and those preparing for a baby who is expected to live only a short time following birth.”
Meeting families where they are
Every family’s path is different. Some parents may need time to process a new medical finding before deciding the next steps. Others want to make immediate decisions about how to proceed with pregnancy care, an induction of labor, or a perinatal palliative plan of care.
“Our goal is to meet people where they are,” Bahneman said. “Some are ready to talk about options right away. Others need to go home, process, and come back in a few days.”
Support extends through labor and birth, which still take place even after a baby has died. Bahneman and her team create opportunities for families to meet and spend time with their babies in whatever ways would be most meaningful to them.
“Labor and birth in the midst of perinatal loss is not what parents plan for, yet the experience is still incredibly meaningful, and even has moments of beauty and joy,” Bahneman said. “We help families figure out how they want to spend their time with their baby, whether that means reading to them, bathing and dressing them, taking photos, or introducing them to grandparents or siblings. We want to make that time sacred.”
Bahneman also helps families consider special experiences that could be meaningful to them, such as participating in rituals they’ve done following their other children’s births, bringing a baby outside so the parents can see the sun shining on their face, or arranging for religious or spiritual services. On occasion, families have even been supported in bringing their baby home so parents can cuddle with and have memories of the baby in their own home.
“If we can make a dream come true for them, we will,” Bahneman said.
Always a parent
One of the messages Bahneman shares with grieving parents is that they remain parents, even if their baby is no longer alive.
“You’re still parenting your baby,” she said. “It’s just not in the way you planned. That parent-child relationship still exists, and we help families find ways to foster that connection going forward.”
She knows this deeply. Bahneman experienced the death of her own daughter, who died at age 7.
Bahneman shares that grief lasts a lifetime. A parent never stops loving or longing for their child, but the weight of grief changes over time. “It lightens,” she said. “People learn how to integrate that grief into their lives, to carry it differently.”
A family experience
Bahneman views grief as a family experience, extending beyond the birthing parents to siblings, grandparents, and extended family. Everyone will be touched in their own way and may grieve differently and at different times.
She also noted that society often doesn’t fully understand perinatal loss. Some grieving parents encounter well-meaning but painful comments like, “You can have another baby” or “You didn’t even know your baby yet.”
“What people don’t realize,” Bahneman said, “is that the depth of grief is related to the level of attachment, not to the length of time you’ve known someone. Parents love their babies deeply, even before birth. They know their personalities, their movements, and their rhythms. That love is real.”
Supporting pregnancy after loss
When someone becomes pregnant again after a loss, emotions often run high. Bahneman’s team takes special care to honor that experience.
“It’s hard not to feel extra worried or anxious in a pregnancy following loss,” she said. “We hold space for that and try to figure out what support is best for each individual family. It may look like more frequent visits, a chance to hear the baby’s heartbeat more often, or connecting with a therapist or support group.”
Sometimes that support means visiting the hospital together before the time of delivery, so parents are not returning to a hospital setting for the first time when they’re in labor.
“We do whatever we can to help them feel safe, heard, and part of the decision-making process,” Bahneman said.
Finding meaning in the hardest moments
While the grief of losing a baby never fully disappears, Bahneman has seen many families find solace during a time of heartbreak.
“The death of a baby is heartbreaking,” she said. “But when people feel safe, supported, and empowered to do everything they wanted with and for their baby — that can make the time families spend with their baby deeply meaningful.”
For Bahneman, that’s what makes this work sacred. “I was there for my daughter’s first breath and her last,” she said. “It was both the hardest and most beautiful moment of my life. Now, I help others create their own version of that, whatever they need to feel love, connection, and peace.”
Resources for people experiencing perinatal or infant loss
Bahneman suggests talking with your provider about what you need, emotionally and physically. They can help support you or connect you with mental health care or support groups.
Here are some additional resources that Bahneman recommends:
